I have been learning to use words that give readers pictures in their minds.
On 14 November, it was Athletics Day. I was super pumped for this day.
When I did sprints on Athletics Day, I lined up with the ten year olds. I ran with Drew, Richard, and Cameron. The people that I were racing looked like they were faster than me. When the gun went off, it sounded like a rifle gun. I started running. I sprinted fast. When I was running, I felt like I was running as fast as a cheetah. My tummy hurt but I kept running. It felt like it had beetles crawling around in it. There was still far to go but I kept going. When I was half way there, I noticed that I was coming third so I stopped and walked only for about 3 seconds. When I got to the finish line, I was puffing like a steam train. I noticed that Richard and the rest were puffing too.
I felt great because I ran a hundred metres and could still walk. If you want to know how far a hundred metres are, it is not that far but it is enough to make you puff.
Great improvement in telling the events and using words to give your readers pictures in their minds.
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteI like the way described your self as, "super pumped." Why were you feeling super pumped?
I like how you have been specific, "Athletics Day and 10 Year Olds."
Well done creating the image and sound of a riffle going off. That gives me a clear thought about what I would hear if I was there with you.
I like the way you described the feeling in your tummy as, "Beetles crawling around."
I like the way you showed how the children taking part in the event were feeling, " Puffing." Why were they puffing? What a great image of the steam train and comparing it to the runners.
I like ending. it is a great conclusion as it tells me how far you ran and quite creative ... "If you want to know how far a hundred metres is, it is not that far but it is enough to make you puff."
Can you describe the track? What were your legs and arms doing?